I cannot find my penis.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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