I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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