Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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