we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
