They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
