please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
