What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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