Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
if only i could text you this smell
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
