I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
