I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
