I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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