I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
