and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
