why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
