why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Is Oprah even human
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
