I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
