for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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