He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
