there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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