i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
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I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
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That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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