Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
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No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
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Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize