how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
