MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
