Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
