I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
