i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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