He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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