we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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