I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
