where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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