Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
