Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
