literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
