was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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