I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
