I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
