i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
ugly people sure do ruin things
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
