Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
