Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
