i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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