I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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