I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
