I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
