I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
