Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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