Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
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I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
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I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
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