My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
