first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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