R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
