I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
