My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
