Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i will never coherently bang her
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
