no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
