I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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