I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I FOUND THE LEGS
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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