its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
