I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Randomize
