His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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