I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
