dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she woke up with a sticky ear
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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