oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
