Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
My vagina just recognized that song.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
