Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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